12 Pointers to Handle Grumpy Family Members Around the Holiday!!
12 Pointers to Handle Grumpy Family Members Around the Holiday!!
The holidays are my favorite times to spend time with family! But we know the holidays can be difficult for some families… and even in my own family dynamics sometimes there is tension or different attitudes that fly around the holidays! Because of this, we have created our 12 Pointers to Handle Grumpy People Around the Holidays! (Bring a portable journal in your purse or a piece of paper in your wallet etc and a pen/pencil with you as well… they may be needed later).
1. When in doubt, ask for clarification. When something comes up around the holidays, ask for clarification. So many disagreements can be avoided if we just ask for clarification. This helps to avoid some arguments, disagreements and misunderstandings. Even if it is about how to prepare a part of the meal while you are helping… ask for clarification. … You can also use your journal to write down a recipe if you want a copy of someone’s recipe for something, or to remember a special step in the making.
2. Patience and Kindness… some of you are like how can I be any more patient with these people?! … When you lack patience, allow kindness to kick in. Kindness wins many hearts, and opens many doors… so does patience. Although it can be hard to have sometimes. See the holidays as a moment to practice patience and kindness. Know this going in to holiday before you even arrive at a family members house, or before they come to yours.
3. Chocolate and little cookies. Always have spare chocolate or little cookies in case it is needed. Sometimes things can get really tense. And a little piece of chocolate or a little cookie can give you that moment of peace and nothing else works. This also works with children, however be careful how much chocolate or cookies you give to a child before the meal …and after.. A lot of sugar for a child will cause a major high and then a major low … and possible sugar crash. So, go easy on the sugar with the youth.
4. Round Robin… need to break the tension? Go around the table and have each person share a favorite memory from the past holidays and give yourself the gift of laughter, thankfulness, and gratitude as everyone shares what they have delighted in the most, in the past, about the holiday. If it seems too personal to share openly with everyone - use that journal you brought and give everyone a piece a paper to write their favorite holiday memory on….
5. Add a little classical or other music. Music can break the silence and keep the peace… so long as it is classical ….or a type of music most of the group likes. Music can turn any holiday into a festive gathering!
6. Surprise Guest?! Did someone bring a surprise guest? Instead of worrying about it there will be enough food, just invite them in, include them in your festivities, without giving the other family member a hard time about inviting them or bringing them.
7. When in doubt, let your baby/child take a nap! Even if it is in the middle of the afternoon, if your child is between 0-5 … let your child take a quick nap if they need one. This will eliminate some of the meltdowns in the evening before bedtime or if someone shows up at an event that your child doesn’t 100% enjoy.
8. Include… include people in the prep process and preparing process so that you don’t feel overwhelmed. If you trust the other people coming to the party to be able to prepare part of the meal… then trust them to prepare a dish and share it! This will also help your guests to feel more included and remove some of the anxiety you may have about the meal and event itself.
9. Family member prying into your personal life and you aren’t ready to share??! We know some families love to question others a big family events, as well as love to embarrass others. …. Simply state the truth in a nice way….”I am sorry but it is best we do not talk about this at this time, but I am more than happy to speak with you, in private, about it later.” This almost always works. It includes the other person and lets them know you are interested in discussing the topic later, just not with everyone else around. It allows you to recognize their concern, and also gives you privacy to discuss at a later time. This further shuts down the conversation before it gets out of hand… and does not give your family member etc the upper hand in trying to embarrass you. It puts the ball back in your court for when you are ready to discuss whatever the topic is.
10. Take a bathroom break. If something heated comes up at the table, excuse yourself and take a bathroom break. Go in the bathroom and count to 10 etc… and cool down. Give yourself the space in the bathroom to collect yourself and not be involved… this works wonders! And you never know what helpful hint you will find in the bathroom. Different times when I have excused myself to literally go to the bathroom… or to cool down, I have found prayer cards in the bathroom… a funny book or magazine in the bathroom… a mirror where I could talk myself through whatever was at hand, a window to look out and see the beautiful nature or talk to God about what was going on. Offer up a prayer for the other person while you are in the bathroom. Come back out calm, cool, and collected. This helps in more than two ways. 1 is it removes you from the conversation if someone else is instigating a fight with anyone at the table, or overstepping and 2. it gives you space and peace of mind with yourself so if you were the one someone was starting something with or you are the one who was starting to fight with someone else… either way … you have removed yourself from the situation, taken a time out and breather… and given space for other. You can always refresh your make-up etc while you are in the bathroom too… remind yourself you are loved. Or, if need be, journal while you are in there. And when you come back out of the bathroom you can head back to where you were if everything has calmed down… or head in a different direction, like towards a favorite person at the event or towards the door!!! … Even if you feel you need to leave… you can very easily say… “I am sorry I don’t feel so well… my stomach is a little off … I think I better leave.” This will help you to leave and bow out gracefully if someone seriously overstepped or seriously offended you and you know everything will just further escalate into a fight.
11. Spread more I love you’s than I hate you’s. hahahahah!!!! Rather than punching your uncle in law in the face and screaming I hate you at him… find people you can say I love you to at the event and actually say it to them … and thank others at the event … for the wonderful role they have in your life, or all the wonderful things they have done for you or others throughout the year!
12. Is your child starting to throw a tantrum??? … (or one of the adults acting like a child and throwing a tantrum???) … gently pull your child aside… and ask them in a different space than the main gathering… what they are upset about and why they are tantruming… (this also works for adults as well)… usually people tantrum because they want attention… or are not getting their way about something, or believe it is their way or the highway… so simply take them aside and truly listen to their thoughts and feelings… and once they have been explained you will more fully understand what the problem is or the underlying problem is… try to sit down and talk about it (or have them journal about it. Or if you need to give your child a time out … while they are in time out you can journal…)… if your child needs a time out - now they are in a safe place where they will not hurt others, but also, they are more likely to respond a little more rationally, once they are away from the actual thing that caused the tantrum or the escalation. By going to a different location than the main room or event, you actually give the person tantrumming an easier way to leave if they need to leave and cool off. - You are helping to redirect the person having the difficulty - to the good as well as helping the host to solve the problem and/or the event not being ruined. And just one other word to the wise… usually when someone is tantrumming, they are tired. There were many times when my own children would have a meltdown, and when I redirected to another room, and told them to take a minute to themselves (essentially a time out).. they would fall asleep. They just needed the time away from the event and away from over-stimulation to rest. Some adults are the same… and they don’t even realize it, until it is too late. Better to pull them to the side and discuss what is going on, and them possibly leaving if need be.. than them staying and falling asleep behind the wheel etc. or getting into a fight with someone. If the other person just needs to get their feelings out - give them the option to write them down instead of yelling at another person at the event. They can always share what they have written with the person later… or not. They could just throw it in the trash later… either way… you have de-escalated the conflict, and helped the other person to process and move forward in a better direction (inside of themselves, as well as back to the event… or out the door).
Wishing all of you a blessed holiday season!! : )
Reach out to us if you need a deeper dive!