Hint 4: Communicate Effectively - Listening and Speaking Up

Listening to your child is one of the most important experiences of all. Listening to your child helps you to better understand your child / teenagers and resolves conflict. This includes appreciating the feelings they have towards the situation as well well as being able to empathize with the other and admit if you have made an error… while also .. in the case where you have not, and they have misjudged a situation speaking truth to the situation.

This includes active listening. Active listening is not the same thing as giving advise, criticizing, or coaching them. Also remember, for any stage of youth, you have to have patience when communicating with your child… and even more patience when they lose patience with you.

Active listening includes: genuinely trying to understand, giving full attention to your child with your body language and eye contact, repeating what the other person has said to make sure you understand what has been said, acknowledging what the other person is feeling, encouraging the other person to continue by being silent or nodding, repeating the last word they said, or asking additional question in a friendly manner. Through this process you validate your child’s feelings and are encouraging your child to express more with a genuine attempt to try to understand the situation and appreciate their point of view. Showing that you understand them and appreciate them and appreciate them sharing their perspective with you, even if you do not agree with what they are saying, or know that they have misunderstood something, is important.

Once this has been established, then you have a space to speak from, and to be able to state your own views as well as communicate your own values and opinions as well and to create a conversation and ways of open and healthy communication. When we understand another’s point of view and have acknowledged their feelings, they are far more likely to listen to us in return. However, when expressing your views you are to use skill and tact vs. blaming or criticizing. Additionally, if it is just stating the facts for example you telling your child they cannot go outside because it is below the freezing temperature or they can go outside and play later… state with firm intention, positivity, and redirect to what you have planned in relation to your child’s schedule or to another activity etc that is healthy for your child. Explain that you can do the activity they would like to at a later time when it is safe etc (or age appropriate etc)….

When communicating effectively you acknowledge the other person’s feelings, stay calm and positive, take responsibility for your feelings by using an I message like: “ I am upset” etc… , express your positive intentions and concerns and express concern for their safety etc and their best interest being at heart… lastly focus on what you want to happen. Offer your view in a calm and assertive way. As your children get older and become more independent, they may or may not listen to you… this is also a truth as your child growing up and becoming their own person. With every stage of growth and development, your response will look different. But it will always include active listening… especially if you start getting into the habit of active listening now. As you continue to actively listen to your child, your child will begin to understand how to actively listen to others as well. This is where open communication occurs, and less conflict arises, where more mutual understanding can be reached and solutions to problems or issues can be reached together about major issues or problems.

Based on: Parenting Teenagers: A Guide to Solving Problems, Building Relationships and Creating Harmony in the Family ~ By John Sharry

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

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