When we talk about the topic of True Love: Being Happy Together … this includes moving from selfishness to companionship, becoming together, interpersonal communion, the gift of each other, welcoming and accepting each other, attentiveness and truthfulness, sharing yourself with each other, making sacrifices for each other, making room for each other in each other’s life, forgiving each other and asking for forgiveness, comforting and helping each other heal, being at the service of the other, having courage and taking action.

The next question is What are the other pieces and what do they truly include and look like concretely in every day life?

8. I Forgive You and I Ask for Forgiveness

I am sorry is a very powerful set of words when true. The only way to really repair damage done by selfish acts is reconciliation through forgiveness and raparation for the damage done. To heal emotional and spiritual wounds we need to be willing to acknowledge our failings and shortcoming, ask for forgiveness and make raparation. Remember that words hurt, as with any conflict, if battles within marriage continue to escalate, it can be lethal to the marriage. There are 4 types of interactions that lead to a break-down in relationship/marriage. 1. Criticism: blaming the beloved for something that has happened - it holds a sting of condemnation. 2. Contempt: when the beloved insults the other knowing that it will cause pain to the other. Bosio claims this is a form of abuse and includes: name calling, sarcastic remarks, putdowns, rolling of the eyes, and gestures intended to demean the other person. 3. Defensiveness: a counter-attack to the beloved and any remark or criticisms that are made. 4. Stonewalling: this is when the beloved purposely chooses to ignore anything the other says or does - giving the person the silent treatment is an example of this. - Stonewalling happens when all the other three have already had time to take place and took root - and it flows on a cycle of negativity that erodes the bond and destroys the relationship.

When any of these take place, it is important to break the pattern and restore peace. For unpleasant incidents in the relationship use words to defuse the tension rather than escalate it - words that convey regret and forgiveness - that are truly meant and are true - are able to restore harmony in the relationship. Happy couples learn how to stop themselves before their arguments get too out of control, calling a time-out is a great way to regain composure and rationality and to stop wounding each other. Having an attitude of forgiveness founded in realism and being humble acknowledges that you are not perfect and you are a sinner like anyone else. In marriage it is knowing that each other is imperfect and that we need to be forgiven. Forgiveness includes respect for the truth and that action is taken so it does not happen again. You have to face the damage done, in order to truly forgive or be forgiven. Forgiveness also includes living with the consequences of what was done. It includes letting go of anger, fear, hurt, and the pain you feel. If you hang on to the negative emotions, they will damage the relationship. Forgiveness includes turning yourself back towards the beloved. Reconciliation includes turning towards the beloved and moving closer to the beloved. This begins to restore peace. Never be afraid to be the first to reach out to seek reconciliation with the beloved. Remember that God never turned his back on humankind, regardless of how sinful. This also goes for the person who has committed the selfish act. Reach out to the beloved and ask for forgiveness if you know you did something that was selfish. “Forgive each other, just as God has forgiven you” (Col 3:13). forgiveness happens through interior transformation and conversion and grace. It takes both beloveds for a change of heart. In a True love relationship forgiveness "moves barriers and rebuilds bridges, opens doors that were closed, turns beloveds back to each other, reconnects the beloveds and lets the relationship flow again. Tension, anger, and hurt are released, healing takes place, emotional life can blossom, and communion grows. Peace returns to the relationship, the beloveds renew their promise to be with and for each other, and true joy springs again because the beloveds feel God’s presence in their relationship.

Based on Happy Together by John Bosio )

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

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