Romance, Sex, and Marriage! Yes! We said it!! Romance, sex and marriage! How does this relate to being lovestruck vs in love - having true love, and what does this really look like in today’s world? Many people would come up with many different answers to this question…But this particular posts examines this through the lens of The Song of Solomon… to understand the “How” we have to understand the “Why” ! We are talking all things Sexual Intimacy in this post and a couple of the ones to follow! While we usually focus on all different types of forms of intimacy, we usually do not delve deeply into sexual intimacy ~ however, we wanted to save this topic until now, when we could take our time uncovering some of the deeper truths.

Today we focus on What to do if there is trouble in paradise…. my beloved and my friend, forgiveness and the dance, and the ageless beauty of committed love….

While we see Solomon and the Shulammite deep in the thrawls of passion and desire for each other in their relationship… what happens when there is trouble in paradise? When after being married for awhile you find yourself in a rut of not having sex or sexual intimacy? What happens when there is indifference?… While the Shulammite gave her beloved the key to open the gates to her garden, and enter in, at some point she closes the door… and he asks again, that he may enter…. He wants her to be open to him, to receiving him, and continues to admire and adore her… in an intimate relationship with your beloved you can either be positive or negative and if there is a conflict in the relationship, address it or avoid it. Avoiding it would lead to greater problems later on - so address your concerns. There are always unmet expectations in a relationship, but when they are addressed in a positive way, they can be overcome, and create even deeper intimacy in the relationship. (See chapter 5: Song of Songs)

One can also become indifferent in their relationship… in these moments it is best to change things up so that the indifference does not eat away at your relationship with each other. Remember that marriage is about serving the other and giving to the other while also receiving. Where there is mutuality in the relationship, one grows in deeper intimacy. While lives can get busy or hectic it is best to make time and create time for each other. If you find something has come between you and your beloved, try to uncover what it is and work through it. Healthy couples openly communicate about what issues or problems and find solutions together. Take the time to be with each other intimately, and to continue to foster the physical closeness you have with each other. Allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other. Treat each other with tenderness and kindness and instead of feeling like things are an obligation, see them as things you get to do, and you get to do together.

Appreciate your beloved for who they are….Remember that your beloved is your beloved and your friend. Reflect on how your beloved is special to you, and if you find you begin to take your beloved for granted, take the time to slow down.. and to slow down with each other away from the everyday. Take the time to slow down and appreciate each other, compliment each other and speak words of gratitude to each other. Release any resentment or disappointment you have with each other, and make a list of the good and the wonderful you see in each other and what you love about each other. Grow in admiration and respect for each other. Continue to grow in your friendship with each other, moving more deeply into intimate friendship with each other and increase intimacy in other areas of your life when sexual intimacy seems to wane… as you do this, sexual intimacy will return. Continue to support each other in your goals and dreams and romance each other, delight in each other and enjoy each other. When this happens, sexual intimacy returns.

In Chapter 6 of Songs there is the dance of forgiveness. “Being able to let go of past hurts is an essential component for growing a strong marriage and maintaining an intimate relationship that lasts a lifetime” (128). while unforgiveness blocks intimacy on an emotional and physical level. Forgiveness leads to a healthy and thriving marriage. When you forgive, you can write a new storyline and a new chapter. Forgiveness removes the hardness of your own heart, as well as any resentment that is built up over time. Remember that you are the one who gets to love this person…your beloved is a gift to you, even in the frustrating moments. Both of you are called into mercy and grace together through forgiveness and reconciliation. Reassure each other with words of love when working through a problem together. Easy steps for forgiveness and reconciliation:

• admit when you are wrong, or when what you said or did was wrong

• express remorse for the pain or heart you caused

• apologize for your actions

• ask for forgiveness (will you forgive me? etc)

• Be patient with your beloved if the feelings of forgiveness do not come right away, give them time to process and heal from the hurt ( 136)

Remember that even in the hard times, love looks good on you, a radiant loving heart is your path to holiness. Focus on the internal beauty of each other and your obstacles in your relationship will be overcome, and sexual intimacy within the marriage will return. This is the beauty of committed love. It is a love that does not give up on the other. You admire the masterpiece God has given you in the other and that is being created in your relationship with each other. Honor your relationship with each other, romance and woo each other, taste the sweet fruits of love and see the beauty in each other. Take the attention off of yourself, and place it on your beloved. Be filled with enthusiasm, good surprises, spontaneity, and rejoicing that your beloved is the one God has given you to love and that you get to love.

Enjoying this series?

Stay tuned for our next post on Is sexual intimacy about performance, adding ingenuity in your relationship, and an unsurpassable love

(Based on Lovestruck: Discovering God’s Design for Romance, Marriage, & Sexual Intimacy from the Song of Solomon by Sharon Jaynes)

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

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