When Your Child Tantrums...You Tantrum....or Another Grown Adult You Know Tantrums...
The other day when I was here in the city, walking in the park, I saw a family making their way out of the park. Apparently, the older brother had pushed the little sister down on the ground, and now the little girl’s light pink pants were covered in mud. The family was going home to let the little girl change, however, the little girl was very angry. She wanted to stay in the park to play, yet she was also angry because she was now covered in mud. She started throwing a tantrum - yelling and shouting on her way out of the park…her parents and brother kept walking with her, despite her tantrum in the middle of the street. The parents remained calm, while the brother walked with a little smirk on his face, not saying anything, and the girl, continued to pitch a fit and tantrum and scream all the way down the road.
The question that comes to mind in this is What do you do when your child tantrums, you tantrum, or another grown adult you know tantrums? I am sure we have all seen it — the child that tantrums, the coach that tantrums, or sometimes even we have pitched a fit and threw a tantrum about something ourselves… In hindsight, how do we deal with situations like this, when our child tantrums, or another grown adult tantrums??
Recognize there is a reason why they are or went into tantrum mode. You may not know the exact reason, but there is always a reason behind every tantrum.
Give space for the person to say what is on their mind, and to let out whatever it is they need to let out, work through, or move past.
Have the person enter into a quiet space to reflect on what is going on inside of themselves and why they are tantruming. For a child, as in the case above, it may be you just set them aside when they get home, and you have them sit for a minute before they transition to the next thing you are doing as a family. In adult cases, encourage the person to enter into a quiet space to enter back into a peaceful state and to begin to work through whatever the feelings are that are present that come up. If you are on the phone with someone and they are throwing a tantrum give them the space to say what they need to say. Once they say what they need to say and have been able to enter into that quiet space….
Acknowledge you recognize their feelings and where they are coming from. Offer them a form of compassion and begin to get them back on track, as able, with what is meant to happen next. If it is that they need to sit and work through the feelings and the emotions, then help them to work through their feelings and emotions. If it is that they need to move on to the next activity and get over what happened- then help them to transition to the next activity. If you do not agree with what they are saying, depending on the time, place, and person, enter into dialogue and lend a new perspective, in a calm and rational manner….Once this is done….move to step 7 (see #5 and #6 for special cases)
I have to emphasize the importance of this. If you are on a date with someone and they tantrum, feel free to walk away and give them space to cool down, and to re-evaluate. The same with people you work with, or who are in positions of authority above you. If there is an adult out of line with their tantruming, feel free to call them out on it, but do not allow it to escalate into something more, or, instead of calling them out on it, walk away, show them you will not tolerate someone screaming and yelling at you and that those are two forms of communication as well as others, that you do not agree with and will not condone in the workplace etc. Stand in your own dignity and truth and worth on this one, walk away until the time is right to communicate. Or, if you feel so called to, just walk away for good.
Recognize if you have a baby that is trantruming, that tantruming is their form of communication with you and the only way they know how to communicate - since they do not have words yet. It is your role as a parent to try to figure out what is wrong. Tantruming back at your child who is tantruming will solve nothing, and will leave both of you frustrated. Don’t do it. Check their diaper (they may have gone to the bathroom), try to feed them (they may be hungry), hold them (they may just want your love), let them go to sleep (they may be overstimulated by too many people or other things - let them sleep), they may need help getting to sleep (rock them, hold them, stroke left to right -inside to outside - right above their eyebrow or over their eyebrow to get them to soothe to sleep or put on classical music to help with the transition).
If a child or if you are going to continue to have said person in your life: Let them know you still care about them and you still love them despite whatever tantrum is taking place. I emphasize this because you want your children to recognize you do not stop loving them just because they have a tantrum. If you feel you also need to label your feelings and emotions about how you feel when they tantrum or act a certain way, then feel free to do that in a healthy way. Sometimes, your child also needs to know and see that you have feelings. Labeling your feelings to them is a healthy way for them to begin to understand they are not the only person that has feelings, and to begin to see things from a different perspective. However, despite whatever is said between you and your child, always reaffirm that you still love them and care about them even if sometimes they have a bad day, or if they get upset about something that has happened etc. If it is an adult who is having a tantrum, also feel free to label your emotions and feelings to them of how you feel when they throw a tantrum. Said person may also need to be brought back to the reality that you have feelings as well. If you think they are not in a space or place to be able to do that - then don’t label your feelings, help them move to the next step.
One of the most important things is to model the behavior you would like to see. If you want a child or person to not tantrum or to be able to have a good grasp on their feelings and emotions, and exhibit those feelings and emotions in an appropriate manner given the space… then model it and show it to them. Have them recognize there may be a better way to deal with their emotions and feelings that is less destructive to themselves and to others. Bring the peace and calm. In an adult case it may mean you walk away for a little bit, and reach back out to the person later or at a better time.
From a biblical perspective, recognize that God recognizes we tantrum- and still loves us even after we get angry and upset, but sometimes God may prefer we express our feelings and emotions in a different way (that may be more healthy). Also have them recognize if their tantrum causes hurt or harm to another person or to themselves, it is not okay. They need to find a better way to cope with their feelings, emotions, and whatever is going on with them. For adults that tantrum, or even tantrum publicly, call them into check. Some adults need to recognize while you understand where they are coming from, it doesn’t mean that type of behavior is actually appropriate given the place or time. There may be better ways for others to grasp and for other people to better understand their feelings and emotions than throwing a tantrum. You could recommend they journal about their feelings and work through whatever the deeper issues are through journaling, give them a simple count to 10 cool down method (or 20,30,or 50), or even have them repeat their favorite bible phrase to themselves or favorite mantra to themselves to get them to redirect their feelings and emotions in another less destructive way.
Ask the person how they may better handle the situation next time. By asking them this question you are giving them the chance to take ownership of their emotions, their expression of their emotions, and giving them the chance to see that things can be different and things can change and that that change begins with them and their reaction.
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