True Love: Being Happy Together Pt II

When we talk about the topic of True Love: Being Happy Together … this includes moving from selfishness to companionship, becoming together, interpersonal communion, the gift of each other, welcoming and accepting each other, attentiveness and truthfulness, sharing yourself with each other, making sacrifices for each other, making room for each other in each other’s life, forgiving each other and asking for forgiveness, comforting and helping each other heal, being at the service of the other, having courage and taking action.

The next question is What do these 6 pieces truly include and look like concretely in every day life?

1. Welcoming and Accepting Each Other / I Welcome You and Accept You:

Acts of welcoming and accepting each other are a part of seeking marital happiness. …When the groom steps away from his friends and goes to the altar to wait for his bride it is symbolic of him stepping away from his friends, and creating a life with her, just as when the bride walks down the aisle, with her father, or someone else on behalf of the family or friends that that walk her down… she says goodbye and steps away from her family and friends, to create a life with him. This is a sign of disconnecting from friends and family to create a life together. The bride and groom literally leave family, friends, and the single life behind in order to dedicate themselves to the special mission of living a life in common with another human being, and to create a life together (Gn 2:24). Psychologists write that unless spouses disengage from their respective families of origin, and disconnect in some ways from their friends, they cannot grow in their relationship with each other. In marriage, you create a new life together and this disconnection from others is essential for truly welcome each other as husband and wife.

If the disconnection isn’t made, then life and the marriage can become very complex. If other people are always involved in the relationship, or put into the middle of the relationship, no real lasting bond can be formed between the husband and the wife as long as others are allowed to interfere all the time. Couple have to create the space to create their own relationship together, and create a life together for themselves, independent of their families and friends. Their biggest confidants are to be each other. This is a form of dying and rebirth. As you move into deeper relationship with someone, and enter into marriage you are reborn into new life, as you die to your old ways - we leave behind families, friends, and the freedom of the single life to give ourselves over to our spouse and to welcome our beloved into our life, so that together, we can create a life of interpersonal communion. This is even the case if you have joint friends or friendships, even if you have some friends that are part of the same friend group.

When you make this transition and disconnection, you are saying to the other that “I Accept You” - you are turning away from others, to turn more deeply toward each other, welcoming one another, and declaring that the other is your life-long partner. Biose states: “you open your heart to welcome your beloved without conditions. This process of welcoming and accepting each other is truly the most fundamental step in your growth as a couple. It requires a conscious effort to always keep the lines of communication open between you and your beloved, to respect each other’s feelings, points of views, and preferences. It is an ongoing effort to seek to understand, to agree to disagree, and, to graciously tolerate the inconveniences we experience in sharing a life (64). Now, this doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have friends or talk to your and see your families. You are allowed to have friends and talk to your family and see your family, but this is a way of setting boundaries with friends and family, and taking the time to create your life together. Even if you have great differences with each other, they can be overcome because of the special bond and interpersonal communion you create with each other - but that is all bestowed on you - through the gift of the Holy Spirit in the Sacrament of Marriage. It may be difficult sometimes to overlook some of the things your beloved does etc, or to work through issues, or to deal with imperfections, however, when two people are committed to the marriage, and committed to each other to work through it, and overcome it together, the marriage will last. One of the ways and reasons the marriage lasts is because a couple takes the time to disconnect from friends and family in this way, and sets up boundaries with friends and family in this way. When you can learn how to accept the good and the bad qualities of someone, or the qualities that irritate you or unpleasant traits, as you realize people are flawed beings, including the person you are in love with, if you handle these things and differences with care, affection, and respect - then your marriage will survive and thrive.

Through this way and approach you are more able to lean to accept your differences, co-exist peacefully, but also truly honor, cherish, and respect each other. This also begins to help you to define the boundaries of your relationship. In the process of mutual acceptance you are welcoming the feelings that contribute to feelings of being welcomed, loved and cherished and through respect, understanding and graciousness. One of the ways to show respect to your beloved is through words and actions. For example: when discussing an issue you have with your beloved, it is better to discuss it first in private, not in front of everyone else, friends, or even family … when things are not addressed privately the other person can feel disrespected, humiliated and hurt. The other person also may not feel emotionally safe around you. You want to treat your beloved with the same dignity and respect you would like to be treated with and the same you would show your friends. Trying to understand your beloved or hearing their perspective is another way you can show your beloved that you accept him or her. To have true understanding, you need to create space to hear the other and what they have to say, put judgement aside and listen with an open mind. When your beloved addresses a specific problem they are having, it is best to let them address it and say what it is and to give them the space to do that. This can be done in different ways. You can physically listen to what they have to say, or they can write it and give it to you to read. Another easy way is to ask someone what they are thinking if they seem upset about something. But, know that when you ask that question, be prepared for whatever the true answer may be. More likely than not, your beloved is probably wanting to get closer to you and greater intimacy with you - and whatever the issue is - they may feel is hindering that in some way. Some ways to help you to better communicate with our beloved and understand your beloved are:

Keep an open mind, don’t jump to conclusions,

1. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt

2. Tell your spouse that you want to hear his or her thoughts and feelings and then listen

3. Listen attentively without interrupting (again, sometimes it is helpful to write something down, and communicate it that way, if it may take awhile to communicate what needs to be said without interruptions - or if you know that you will be interrupted in saying whatever it is that needs to be said.

4. Ask (this one is a little complex because if there is an urgent problem that really needs to be addressed, you may need to state what the problem is or how you feel as opposed to asking the other person to explain something or asking them what this means etc)

Graciousness is an act of love as well… graciously overlooking something or graciously not arguing with your beloved, or graciously not doing something you know your beloved hates can move mountains. “Graciousness is when you respond to an inconvenience with a gesture that does not act as a putdown or as a rejection to your beloved” (69). Granted, in this and everything already stated, there are some destructive behaviors that cannot be accepted or tolerated - these behaviors should be challenged out of love for your beloved. Do not be afraid to challenge them.

Prayer is another way to bring you closer together, open up communication, and be welcoming towards each other. Ask God to help you appreciate your beloved’s gifts and to overlook your spouse’s annoying habits. Ask God to give you the words to be able to address a certain issue or concern, while still showing the other person that you love and care about them, and that they are still your beloved. Pray for the Holy Spirit to move through and breathe through your relationship with each other.

2. Attentiveness and Truthfulness / I am Attentive and Always Truthful:

Faithfulness is the cornerstone of a relationship with your beloved. Faithfulness is the commitment to always be aware of each other and honest with each other. Faithfulness is more than sexual fidelity. Remember that a ring symbolizes not only your unity with each other, but your spouses presence to you and your promise to always remember your spouse. You not only promise love and fidelity with each other but your commitment to always be present to each other. Boise states : “It is your pledge not to turn your back on your spouse, and to always be attentive and not distracted by other concerns or worries, or people. In the vows you exchange in a sacramental marriage you make your spouse your top priority in your life. One of the major reasons why marriage break down is because people do not prioritize their marriage or their beloved. Rather than spending time with their beloved, they spend time on everything else - their careers, kids, communities, hobbies, friends, sports, etc… If it leads you away from your beloved, it is not part of the plan (God’s plan). Beloveds who stay turned toward each other think about one another in everything they do, they keep in mind what the other likes or dislikes, and they do little things for the pleasure of the other. They are aware of each other’s needs, and they are faithful. Only when the beloveds are turned toward each other can they truly embrace each other and be in communion. Remember that you can be distracted by many things… and become distracted by many things, this includes your friends, your family, your hobbies, your job, your career. If this happens, it best to apologize and change. Remember that you can do a million things to try to please other people, but if it leads you to ignoring your beloved and treating your beloved less than they deserve, then it is time to re-prioritize and create a better way forward. Honesty is also the best policy. Without honesty, one cannot truly be present to the other because when we lie, we hide behind a mask. It is important to be faithfully present to each other, because truth is an essential part of love. Love is not love unless it is a sincere gift of oneself. The more you uphold the truth the more you feel completely at ease with each other’s company; even if this truth may be difficult. Remember that truth and sincerity opens doors, tears down the walls that stand between the two of you, and makes you feel and be fully visible to the other. This is when the beloveds are truly present to each other. In these moments, you can stand in front of your beloved without the need to hide, without fear of rejection, and without shame, just as Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden when God first brought them together. …. First you open your arms to welcome and receive each other, then we embrace each other with our presence and honesty. Then we move closer to each other by making room in our life for one another…. this enables the couple to accept, “be present and share oneself with each other, create an interpersonal communion and state of being with and for each other that produces the marital joy your heart desires” (Bosio 86).

3. Sharing Yourself with Each Other and Making Sacrifices for the Good of Each Other / Making Room For Each Other in Your Life

“Just as Christ gives himself totally to his bride, the church, you are to share yourself and make sacrifices for the good of your beloved” (Bosio 89)

In your relationship, it is important to remember you are not in a race against each other, you are not trying to win or be won. You are not competing with each other, or trying to out do each other. A loving relationship - one that is True Love is a constant surrender to selfish tendencies where wills are synchronized for the sake of the other and the common good. God is the creator of True Love and the creator of marriage. In marriage, the spouses create their own marital relationship (with the help of God’s grace) through their mutual surrender to each other for life. In this case you are running with each other as a three-legged race … not two individuals running separately. In a relationship filled with True Love one has to surrender their instincts and will to run the race as the three legged couple. It demands giving up self-centeredness, and instead depends on compromise, it also includes making sacrifices for the sake of the other and for the sake of the relationship. Marital love based on True Love is Sacrificial Love. The sacrifices may change throughout time, but they are part of surrendering one’s will for the sake of the other and the relationship. Even in entering into parenthood, sacrificial love takes place. One of the major challenges True Love comes up against is learning how to balance everything including but not limited to: work, hobbies, friends, community involvement etc with the needs that their spouse and children have for their presence as a companion, parent, nurturer and role model. Within this surrendering you are surrendering to each other with equal dignity… equality is present… and when it is off-kilter… when addressed, it is brought back into alignment. This is a different type of equality than frequently understood or referred to in different circles today. This equality is where Christian spouses / spouses / beloveds are equal in the eyes of Christ (Gal 3:28) and are called by God to give of themselves to each other in mutual surrender, just as Christ gave himself to his bride, the Church - out of love. In True Love you exist “FOR” each other. Because God created you for each other. In true love there is a self-giving centeredness in the relationship vs. self-centeredness in the relationship. Each beloved surrenders their time and attention to the other, they empty their own egos and sometimes their own way of doing things, or sometimes their personal preferences to make room for the other person in their life. Without self-giving, their cannot be fulfillment or happiness in a marriage. This gift of self - self-giving leads to fulfillment and happiness in the marriage. “Love causes man to find fulfillment through the sincere gift of self” ~ St. JPII

Self-giving includes sacrifices made for the sake of the other, even if those sacrifices go unnoticed because True Love does not expect to be noticed and is not boastful. This is also part of supporting each other and supporting each other as a family - it is an expression of love. Self-giving, is a giving that binds. When you sacrifice for the sake of your spouse and your marriage, you make room for love to grow in your relationship, and through your love you manifest God’s kingdom. This type of self-giving love has no strings attached to it. It is not doing a favor for each other and the other person owing you. True self-giving and mutual surrender is unconditional, just like God’s unconditional love. This is one of the reasons why True Love is reflection of Divine Love. Unconditional love is the purest form of giving, and a gift is pure when it is given from the heart.

On the other hand, self-giving does not mean you do everything your spouse wants you to do. Or you just try to go around pleasing your spouse all day long, it does not mean becoming a doormat. Self-giving does not include accommodating destructive patterns or habits, doing things against your principle or will, or condoning behaviors that are demeaning to you and to your spouse, it does not mean saying you like something when you sincerely dislike it, or saying yes when you really mean no (Bosio 97).

Mutual surrender is giving while you remain true to yourself. It is giving while you preserve your integrity. This will also include expressing different feelings and opinions sometimes that are different than your spouses. There may be disagreements, or you may need to confront a problem, or unacceptable behavior. Remember that sometimes challenging your spouse is an act of love done for the sake of the relationship or for the beloved. Remember, conflicts give you an opportunity to seek, together, a resolution in a way that demonstrates your mutual respect and interest in each other’s needs and wishes/desires. Again, honesty is key in this. It is important that you talk about a problem to solve the problem and to help each other understand what is felt, wanted, thought, and what to do. This includes active and authentic listening. This may include someone saying they are sorry and showing that and living it out.

Our Next Post will discuss the last 3 pieces to living this out in your everyday life!

Based on Happy Together by John Bosio )

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

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