While we usually focus on all different types of forms of intimacy, we usually do not delve deeply into sexual intimacy ~ however, we wanted to save this topic until now, before World Meeting of Families, when we could take our time uncovering some of the deeper truths in relation to sexual intimacy. Today’s post is about performance, adding ingenuity in your relationship, and an unsurpassable love!!

“Love looks good on you”

Marriages are meant to be warm on the inside and outside, not cold. By making time for your relationship / marriage and being intentional, you can continue to building and deepen the fire of your love for each other, and deepen your passion. In the last two chapters of Song of Song Solomon and the Shulammite reveal the secrets to long lasting sexual intimacy and lifelong passion for each other.

While they have been together through time, and aged together, and their bodies have changed, their passion for each other has grown and adapted gracefully. Solomon is still enthralled with her beauty and loves her deeply and is still captivated by her. She continues to bring good to him and not harm and Solomon trusted her with his kingdom and with his heart. He is full of confidence in her and sees no lack of value - as in - he continues to cherish her, and continued to see her as a masterpiece; the masterpiece that God created. Her legs are a symbol of her strong character and steadfast loyalty. Her love and passion refresh him, and it is compared to a roaring stream and a goblet of wine that never runs dry. While their love matured, like a good wine, he was still intoxicated by her love. Although others may have seen her beauty as fading, he still sees that her youthful beauty although changed, she is still beyond alluring and attractive to him. Not only is he attracted to her body, but he is attracted to her soul and continues to be attracted to both. Solomon also knows what to say to make the Shulammite feel secure and where and how to touch her to arouse passion. Rather than focusing on how she may feel insecure about her body, he enjoys her, her nakedness, and loves her and loves loving her. He sees her as a masterpiece and a reflection of the divine - of god’s masterful creativity. In greek, “poiema” means masterpiece / workmanship. Through the Shulammite and his relationship with the Shulammite God experiences the divine genius of God.

Jaynes wants all women to know: “A woman was and is one of God’s most magnificent creations. As we’ve seen before, she was the grand finale of God’s creative genius and the inspiration for man’s first poetry. Regardless of your self-perceived physical imperfections and the culture driven definition of your anatomical flaws, you are a magnificent creation of a masterful God. And you are beautiful. As we’ve also covered, it is difficult for a woman to give herself freely to a man when she feels unattractive. But God wants you to have lifelong intimacy with (the person God has chosen for you) … your husband - one for the history books, or at least your history book. And it begins with seeing yourself as God sees you: stunning.” (148)

It also did not matter what the Shulammite’s background was, he still saw her as royalty. The Shulammite also knew how to treat her man. She showered him with praise and admiration, she delighted in him, and the gift of him. “She fed his heart emotionally, his body physically, and his inner man spiritually in a way nothing else could (151). And he did the same. This is what truly makes a good marriage. This was not about “performance”… this was about serving one another. They were fulfilling a need in each other. Solomon humbled himself, even in his kingly state, to honor another; to honor her. They both made a decision to love each other to serve each other in the only way the two of them can serve each other - that honors each other. It is not based on duty or performance.

Jayne drives this point home when stated: “sex in marriage, done to give joy rather than to impress, can change your mood on the spot. The best sex makes you want to weep in joy; not bask in the glow of a good performance” (154). True sexual intimacy is not about performance or selfish ambition, or vain conceit. Rather, in humility - aka - with a humble spirit we value others as = or above ourselves, not looking to ourown interests but to the interest of the other… a wise servant looks closely at the heart of the other, and asks God the question of how to serve the other.. and thinks of ways and is inspired into action of ways to serve the other. Metaphorically, to make a marriage sing, we must take ourselves off the throne and put the needs of our spouses above our own.

Additionally, sexual intimacy (not just sex) within marriage is the most powerful God created way to help you give your entire self to a human being. Sexual intimacy is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you - my desire is for you and you alone, I only want to make love to you and you alone, I only want you to touch me, and you alone, I delight in your touch and in your love, and in yours alone. I want to make love to your body and soul and your body and soul alone. True sexual intimacy includes covenantal intimacy. as Solomon and the Shulammite has stated “ I am my beloveds”… and “I am my beloved’s and his desire is for me.” In each part of the Song of Songs, Solomon and the Shulammite are becoming one. Their covenant is renewed each time they are physically / sexually intimate with each other. When two people are truly in love with each other, intimacy grows into something sweeter.

Intentionality and ingenuity, as well as pleasant good surprises keep and make life long intimacy a reality. While some would say marriage comes with ease and everything is easy… that is truly not the case. Marriages take work. Marriages that sing with intimacy and that last a lifetime are intentional, purposeful, and playful. Flirting takes place as we see even in the case of the Shulammite and Solomon. They continuously woo each other out of love for each other. They take time to be together, enjoying each other’s company, they get creative about their wooing; their love stays fresh and vibrant, it grows and matures. They prioritize their relationship with each other. The Song of songs is about the two of them, and their love song is about the two of them… no matter who is playing it or singing it… an orchestra, a symphony, or a choir. They create their love song together. Even more importantly, when they make their relationship with each other a priority, it gives their children confidence and security.. as well as others around them… it confirms the truth that love is real, give hopes to others, and keeps others grounded in love.

As to unquenchable, unstoppable, Unsurpassable Love…

As each learns the way the other enjoys love, and how their bodies respond they uncover the deeper truths of intimacy with each other (all forms of intimacy with each other). The wine of lovemaking grows sweeter with the years, and the garden continues to grow with abundant fruit, and gives way to ease and the beauty of maturing love is present and flows within the relationship. Still loving and still serving, growing in intimacy with each other, they stay lovestruck., and they unquenchable, unstoppable, and unsurpassable love becomes ever-present.

“Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give

all the wealth for one’s house for love,

it would utterly be scorned. (Song 8:6-7)

The Shulammite asked that Solomon place her like a seal over his heart and on his arm, as they are endearingly devoted to each other. The Shulammit longed to be an imprint on Solomon’s heart, a permanent impression, just as he was like a pouch of myrrh resting between her breasts. - this is the symbol of the wedding ring - this is the type of commitment they had for each other and that was established on their wedding day - when they make a covenant / made a covenant before God, a covenant grounded in True Love. ..despite how the other changes or grows…. Jayne states “In love that lasts a lifetime, lovers morph to the rhythm of change, like shape-shifters keeping pace with aging topography and ageless hearts” (176)

The Shulammite emphasizes a committed love in Song of Songs 2:5, 5:8, and 8:6-7. Hebrew translation for ahava means to have affection, sexually or otherwise, to like, to befriend, to be intimate. “It is a love of the will or act of doing, more than just a fleeting feeling. The root word is ahav and means ‘to give.’ Ahava is giving love. When the Shulammite used this word she was more concerned with giving than receiving - on of the keys to lifelong intimacy. ‘Giving love’ creates and sustains romantic love.” (177)

People do not fall in and out of love with each other - they take steps toward or away from each other… when the cessation of love grows out of a thousand small decisions not to love, taking steps that move the heart farther away from the one once loved. Love is what bridges the gap between two individuals. Love includes being present for the difficult times, and reaffirming the other in your love and your love for them. Giving the other love sustains the other, despite aging and difficulties present. True love gives love even when sexual intimacy is not possible, even when the other has nothing to give in return, even when the other person has to breathe for the other… it is a love that says I will never give up, and I love you. it is a love as strong as death, relentless as the grave, a blazing fire of the holy spirit, like the very flame of God. Waters cannot quench it, rivers cannot sweep it away, despite turmoil, contention, and that flows through the life of the couple. Ahava love is priceless….While the Shulammite had access to more money than any woman in the ancient world, yet she understood that no amount of money could buy ahava love. Ahava love is freely given and freely received. You cannot put a monetary value on it. The price of ahava love is the gift of oneself. Ahava love freely gives it’s time, it listens, it appreciates, values, honors, loves, cherishes, respects, and values the gift of the other. It is a marriage that stands the test of time. It is a covenant with the God who stands the test of time, who intertwines two souls with the thread of his presence. We give love freely, and the return on investment is invaluable. Giving love is the best love of all. The love song closes with a declaration of mutual desire between two lovers. This is an unsurpassable love, and this is why the Song of Solomon is the greatest of all songs.

(Based on Lovestruck: Discovering God’s Design for Romance, Marriage, & Sexual Intimacy from the Song of Solomon by Sharon Jaynes)

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

If you would like to go deeper into transforming your relationships, please sign up for one of our Coaching Programs and we will be more than happy to help you through!

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