A 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a Love ~

True Love and marriage is Joy. Joy is an expansion of the heart …this is fostered in true love and in marriage, leading to abiding joy in love. Christopher West emphasizes every marriage filled with true love is a “salvation story/Salvation history.” This includes God’s unconditional and infinitely merciful love for you. God’s unconditional and merciful love opens us up to share love with others, but also it is the foundation of the church, as well as marriage. This does not mean people are perfect in the marriage, or that couples themselves are perfect. … Imperfection is part of the art of marriage and unconditional love.

This witness to love shows boundless love to others. Love is that which is the foundation of all in the world. Love is a reflection of the divine in the world… and an expression of God’s divine love for us

Love is not Rude

“To love is also to be gentle and thoughtful…Love is not rude or impolite; it is not harsh. Its actions, words, and gestures are pleasing and not abrasive or rigid (99)

Love is not rude but it does not treat people in an ill manner. Rudeness is frequently used in order to cover up someone’s fears, insecurities, failures (or someone’s perception of failure), and sometimes a feeling of superiority. Love brings healing instead of wounds. West claims, “The deeper love is, the more it calls for respect for the other’s freedom and the ability to wait until the other opens the door to his or her heart” (99). Love also calls for respect and the other’s freedom, as well as waiting until the other opens the door, or until you see an open door, otherwise the person’s actions are manipulative. Additionally, as seen in a relationship with physical intimacy etc. “if a man were to barge into this enclosed garden (in thought or deed), or if he were to manipulate her into surrendering the key, he would not be loving her; he would be violating her, using her, asserting himself as master over her. And persons, precisely as persons, must never be mastered. It’s an intrinsic violation of their dignity” (37). In a relationship based in love, this does not occur. In a True Love relationship you honor the other person’s human dignity, freedom, well-being, and the open door is present. If there is not an open door, you wait until the door is opened. In True Love, both are to have an open heart posture towards the other. A truly loving relationship is free of manipulation. because it is grounded in respect for the other. Because of the respect we have for the other we are patient and cooperative with the other. Additionally, in a truly loving relationship both people show appreciation for each other, and see each other as a gift. This further inspires them to share themselves with each other and give to each other as a gift.

Love does not insist on it’s own way

True love does not demand it’s own way… true love is open to the other, and not demanding. True love is based on generosity, not demands. True love longs for the good of the other, while holding true to their authentic self. As Pope Francis has stated: “Love cannot be seen purely as generous donation and self-sacrifice, where each spouse renounces all personal needs and seeks only the other’s good without concern for personal satisfaction. Authentic love also needs to be able to receive the other, to accept one’s own vulnerability and needs, and to welcome with sincere, joyful gratitude the physical expressions of love found in a caress, an embrace, a kiss and sexual union” (The Joy of Love, 157).

In this type of love, there is not an ulterior motive or selfishness. There are also moments in this type of relationship that you are called to lay down your desires for the other/for the good of the other. This again, is a love that gives freely without expecting anything in return.

Love is not Irritable

“An interior indignation or hidden irritation sets us on edge where others are concerned, as if they were troublesome or threatening and thus to be avoided. To nurture such interior hostility helps no one. It only causes hurt and alienation.” (103)

In a truly loving relationship you will be thinking about the good of the other, and will want to make things better and express love to the other person. In this type of love, you do not become irritated with the differences of your spouse, instead, you find unity in diversity. There is also a recognition in this that no one is going to be exactly like you. God made each person unique and precious in their own way. As people called to co-exist on this planet, we are called to see the light in the other…and when things get difficult to continuously guide them and lead them to the light - that is - to also be a beacon of light to the other through the person we are, the way we treat others, as well as through other things in the world, etc…as West states, “love invites small gestures of kindness and affection” (52). Instead of allowing ourselves to become annoyed by someone, we are called to take a step back… in a truly loving relationship we are called to see the blessing of the other person and when we can’t… we are called to pray for them and to continue being the light.

Additionally, as West includes: “It is one thing to sense a sudden surge of hostility and another to give in to it, letting it take root in our hearts” ‘Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger (Eph4 4:26). Instead, create peace and harmony.

Love is not Resentful

“The opposite of resentment is forgiveness, which is rooted in a positive attitude that seeks to understand other’s. As Jesus said ‘Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.’ Forgiveness is possible and desirable, but no one can say that it is easy. The truth is that family communion can only be preserved and perfected through a great spirit of sacrifice. It requires, in fact, a ready and generous openness of each and all to understanding, to forbearance, to pardon, to reconciliation.” (105-106). Forgiveness in this case, does not always mean you are saying what happened “is okay” … instead, our hearts are opened to compassion because usually when someone causes us pain, it means the other person is in pain in some way, even if we don’t know in what way. Being able to forgive others is also a reflection of our inner self and our ability to forgive and to even forgive ourselves. It is also a reflection of understanding. The point in all of this is to grow in love.

Love does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right

“The expression chairei epi te adikia has to do with a negativity lurking deep within a person’s heart. It is the toxic attitude of those who rejoice at seeing an injustice done to others. Sygchairei te aletheia expresses the opposite: it rejoices in the right. In other words, we rejoice at the good of others when we see their dignity and value they abilities and good works.” (109)

When we rejoice in the wrong we are not valuing human dignity, instead this leads to exploitation. Although we can condemn the wrong, we are also called to rejoice in the right. Wrongdoing is backed by a desire…. however. “right behavior makes the provisions for the desire underlying the wrong doing, recognizes the conscious or unconscious needs that seek fulfillment and offers them legitimate (not illegal etc) satisfaction. Additionally, lies will continue to lead someone to wrongdoing. In a truly loving relationship based on human dignity and respect, people do not lie to each other; instead they are open, honest, and transparent about what is going on, or what a problem is. God will continue to point to the truth and try to redirect the other to the truth, because honors human dignity and respect, and honors when others are treated with human dignity and respect. God will always try to align us with our healthy desires that God has given us, and wants to see fulfilled. Through time, the content of our hearts are exposed to the other… and the more we turn towards God in prayer and seek God, the more our hearts are transformed and our desires transformed towards the good when we go astray. In this we mourn what is wrong, and rejoice in what is right, even if the right includes a heavy sacrifice. If someone is always comparing themselves to someone else or competing with someone else, especially their spouse, they are rejoicing in the failings of the other, and that is not love. Love holds the other in equal regard, and does not feel superior to others, or feel the need to feel superior to others.

What are the other aspects of this type of true love? We will explore more in the next post!

Based on Love is Patient, but, I am Not by Christopher West )

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

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